What Makes You Happy

And why that's the wrong question

The doctor on the screen in front of me looked young enough to be my daughter. It was hard not to be distracted by that.

“That means she is really, really smart,” I assured myself.

Having crawled out of adrenal fatigue in the last five years or so, Menopause rose up from my peaceful river like an immense and taunting sea monster and with its robbery of hormones struck me flat underwater once again.

“I dunno…I forget words. Brain fog. Jelly belly. I Just Don’t Feel Good.”

The interview was peppered with dozens upon dozens of questions, and my attention floated in and out. Three times she asked if I were depressed.

“Depressed? I dunno…I don’t think so. I have food in my fridge, no one is attacking my home…What do you mean by that?”

Which made me think on this later, as I considered if I were, indeed, a “happy person” and if so, how does a “happy person” look and feel? I can think of only one person in my life I would call “happy”, and I’m guessing it was because outwardly she was so warm and personable and laughed easily, the sincere kind of laughter that is so rare and rich. But was she truly happy? I have no idea; I only interacted with her a handful of times before she died. What does it mean to be “happy” anyway? And can I educate or chastise myself into it more?

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The Webster’s 1828 Dictionary is a fat book with no page numbers, but it weighs 6.63 pounds if that helps to appreciate its heft. Granted, the online version is available, but l find it somewhat lacking in charm and invitation. I brought out the army green book and flipped to the word “happy”. From my notes, and initial thoughts:

• being in the enjoyment of agreeable sensations from the possession of good (so if it feels good, that is happy? and “good” according to whom?)

• temporary, gratification of sensual and fleshly appetites (thus, gratifying my fleshly appetite supposedly leads to happiness, even but for a moment)

• permanent, enjoying peace of mind in the favor of God (now we’re getting somewhere…)

• free of pain in both body and mind (a desirable state, to be sure, but not permanently likely until Revelation chapter 21)

• having secure possession of good (And Jesus said unto him, Why callest thou me good? there is none good but one, that is, God. Mark 10:18)

• blessed; having the presence and favor of God (this is true of believers regardless of emotional state or “agreeable sensations”)

• harmonious, living in concord, enjoying the pleasures of friendship (a nice thing to have, certainly)

Having scribbled down my notes (yes, I’m still handwriting these posts first), I closed the book not having attained what exactly I was supposed to do or feel, or if my physical symptoms simply provided a mask of indifference that parades around as depression.

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What makes you happy?

This sort of journal prompt makes me want to chew off the pink eraser on my yellow wooden pencil. Supposedly, this is a helpful question, one in fact I may have come up with myself in prompting others (I’m sorry!), but the word “make” in that question now gives me angst.

Why does anything, or worse, anyONE, have to MAKE you happy? Anyone older than a toddler knows that the dopamine hits get ever more tepid with exposure, and those “agreeable sensations” require more and more of it to even get to a baseline before the baseline itself dissolves into death. Shouldn’t our default BE happy?

I smelled a Genesis 3 rat.

Later that morning, in between reading math problems to my 7 year old and watching the bubbling pot on the stove, I pulled out my Strong’s Concordance, another fat book (6.76 pounds).

As if He knew I’d eventually show up, God gave me many reasons to BE happy, and none of them required a pain free body or agreeable friendships.

• I am saved by the Lord, my defender and shield (Deut 33:29)

• I have access to the King’s presence and to His wisdom (1 Kings 10:8)

• I am under God’s correction and chastening (Job 5:17)

• He has given me a quiver full of children (Ps 127:5)

• He allows me to enjoy the fruit of my hands (Ps 128:2)

• I have God for my help, and my hope is in Him (Ps 146:5)

• Through Him, I have wisdom and understanding (Pro 3:13)

• He gives me the grace to retain that wisdom (Pro 3:18)

• He blesses me with funds to help various ministries, and my heart yearns for others to know the riches of Christ (Pro 14:21)

• My trust is in the Lord! (Pro 16:20)

• He keeps my heart soft towards Him (Pro 28:14)

Furthermore, an unrepentant sinner, despite how dopamine-happy he thinks he currently is, will eventually fall into mischief because of his hardened heart (Pro 28:14), and ultimately into judgement (Jer 12:1-6, Malachi 3:13-18). Those who depend upon having their ears itched to hear what they want, do so just to confirm their own inner lusts, and thus become captive to their sins and led away from the truth (2 Tim 4:3-4, 3:6-7).

Maybe I *am* a happy person, after all.

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My hormones provoked me again this early morning. Am I hot? Am I cold? Do I need to rest more, or exercise harder? Take a nap, or take a walk? Fast longer, or eat more often? I test my hair: is it still attached to my head?

My brain is too tired to process it all. I order every one of the tests the doctor requests.

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I am not depressed. The answer is “no”.

Still, I consider how to grow in happiness. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to be the kind of person that someone instantly thinks of, when they try to envision a truly happy person? I figure, Jesus raised me (and will raise my body) from the dead, so nothing truly is impossible after all.

I scratch out a list, because lists make me happy (see what I did there, wink wink?).

• service and obedience (John 13:14-17)

• walking by faith, without hypocrisy (Rom 11:22-23)

• endurance (James 5:11)

• receiving reproach because of the name of Christ (1 Peter 4:14)

• setting my mind on the Spirit, not on fleshly sensations (Rom 8:6)

• growing in the knowledge and understanding of the Lord through reading and studying His Word, especially to avoid being led astray (2 Peter 3:17-18)

• recognizing and repenting from idols (1 John 5:21)

• enjoying the purpose and place where God has me (Ecc 12:13-14)

• loving others (1 John 4:12)

• trusting the Lord in all things (Pro 3:5-6)

I sigh contentedly. I am so happy to know Jesus.

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A friend of mine joins me for tea and sunshine, though we both end up forsaking the tea and sun and head inside for glasses of water, instead. We talk about raising children and cultivating an enduring marriage and navigating forty-and-fifty-something hormonal fluctuations.

“Remember to be kind,” she says.

“Am I being mean?” I horrifyingly ask, knowing she would tell me straight.

“No,” she starts, “I mean, be kind to yourself. Stop asking ‘what’s so wrong with me’ and start saying instead ‘I’m going to work to figure this out’. Give yourself some slack”.

She gives me advice on supplements, doctors, stressors and schedules, but the most helpful of all is her Christian companionship. She encourages me in the Lord. And, praise God, she never resorts to asking me what would make me happy.