Slow Schooling Chapter 18: Real Life Helps Along the Way

This and that.

Time for quilting, too!

Because homeschooling, and especially slow schooling, is not simply (simply!) about trying to cram as much knowledge into a child as possible in the shortest time given, it might be prudent to consider other aspects of home life that weave throughout the day and add to a child’s instruction and character building. If a child grows up to speak eloquently and perform beautifully, but never prays to God or spends a moment of time with his grandmother, of what use was his training? Education is not at the top an academic affair; it is an affirmation of the child as a whole, dignified human being with much to offer in every area of life, at all ages of life.

Scheduling

I am very grateful for the work of Teri Maxwell and her Managers of the Home workbook. Every few months I reassess how our routines are working, and we try again with a new schedule or simply tweak areas that are not working. Going through the process is always a blessing, and the reason I am able to blog, quilt, study, or even take a nap, is because we do the best we can to keep on a schedule. That being said, we never (no, not once) are able to keep to it 100%. I am never good at making hard stops, and my transition times are always fluid. I truly use this scheduling process as a foundation, and then let our routines settle in the most comfortable ways for us. Every family (and their specific challenges) are different. I would encourage you, especially if you feel overwhelmed or have too many discipline issues, to try this system out, but remember that a schedule is not your master, it is simply a tool.

Toddlers

Toddlers love to “do school” along with their older siblings, but it is true that after about 15 minutes at the table, they are ready to run off! Having a schedule (as above) helps tremendously in what to do with keeping them safe, happy, and busy. It is helpful to rotate activities, books, and toys, as well as having outdoor play and a nap or rest time every day. It is simply not true that they need many of their own age-mates to play with on a regular basis; what they need is a predictable environment with the family they love and plenty of opportunities to explore, create, and grow.

Finances

The most difficult part of financing homeschooling books and supplies is seeing thousands of dollars in tax money leave our family’s pockets to fund the school down the street, while I try to scrape together a few hundred dollars for curriculum. Having had experience in the public school systems and observing how money was spent there make it an especially bitter pill, but we honestly never are without learning opportunities and a library. Furthermore, the younger children were able to use books the older children are finished with, so the cost of materials simply gets less as time goes on.

Some families feel compelled to join up with the public school system in a “partnership”, in order to get extra funds for computers, music lessons, and the like. I would strongly discourage this. Not only do you lose your status as an independent homeschooler (your child becomes, basically, a public school student, working from home), but it puts at risk the opportunity for others in the future to homeschool. Should the Lord agree that music lessons are what your child needs, I have full faith that He would provide the means for you to procure them, outside of governmental “help”. Be well advised that public schools embark in this sort of partnership not for the good of your child, but for the federal money in their accounts and the educational control you would begin to relinquish. (1)

Also, it is often tempting, if not necessary, to consider that a second parent bring in an income to support the family economy. I would urge you to be honest about what your real needs are; having a roof of simple shingle over your head isn’t necessarily the same as having a roof of gold over your head. Do you really need cable TV? A second car? The right brand of clothing? If after humble contemplation the need for further funds is an absolute necessity, I would encourage a family to consider what they might do as a family business from the home. The opportunities to make money through selling to a now global audience through the internet is vast and promising to anyone willing to put in the hard work of learning the ropes.

Many parents are worried that they will not be able to afford college tuition. Again, I would encourage you to consider what your goals and efforts toward education really are. If those goals make it absolutely necessary for your child to gain the colored rope, there are many opportunities to do so outside of a brick and mortar building, such as online distance learning. Many high schoolers participate in dual enrollment, completing their diploma along with a couple of years of college work at a tremendously discounted rate. I would, however, exercise caution if dual enrollment involves becoming a public school student for the reasons already brought forth.

Homemaking

Homemaking is an inevitable part of homeschooling, for better or for worse. For better, in that children have more time and opportunity to take on the responsibilities of caring for the home through chores. And for worse, because the house never gets a break from all of the people in it, so keeping it tidy is akin to shoveling sidewalks while snow is still falling. Scheduling chores and even meal plans has helped me tremendously, and I am grateful to Fly Lady for the push and homework I needed to get me going. (2) When the children were younger, we made games of cleaning up, such as “horse race clean up” where Daddy would play announcer and the “horses” would explode from the gates to pick up all of the toys they could. The “races” became a famous, and favorite, activity.

Drug-free Health

With so much media and societal pressure to push drugs, it’s no wonder a parent is rowing upstream to raise a drug-free family. However, given that properly prescribed prescription drugs is a leading cause of death (more than 350 people every day) (3) and that over 40% of children now suffer from chronic illness, (4) it is simply a matter of life and death to make wise decisions in how we treat the various symptoms we have or prevent them from occurring. I define “drug-free” as eating foods grown without pesticides and living a lifestyle that includes chiropractic adjustments, good sleep hygiene and regular times of outdoor play, even barefoot. When symptoms do arise, we make use of homeopathic remedies and herbs. I encourage you to make use of the many classes in first aid (CPR, etc) and alternative methods of gently healing, including use of people, physicians, and dentists who are integrative and holistic.

Media

It’s no secret anymore that media is a powerful venue for the formation of minds and culture. It’s also very evident that few people are able to resist the siren call of amusing themselves to death (5) as seen in the gross number of hours spent on social media and other entertainments. It’s not a shock anymore to see blasphemy, violence, sultry images, or to read stunning and vicious comments by people who may, in real life, be polite in the grocery store. Pornography robs and enslaves millions of people every year, both by permission and by force. With smart phones ubiquitous and iPads in the hands of toddlers, it does seem like a tsunami of sin and sadness, destroying dreams, goals, innocence, and even the humanity of individual people. Fifteen years of life sunk away into the TV alone (6). What are we missing?

Of course, these tools can be helpful and a blessing, but therein lies it’s caution: they CAN be. Much like an electric fence, the purpose is may be proper, but a careless application can be deadly. It’s completely unrealistic to shield our children completely from the internet (or public libraries, for that matter), but we must thoughtfully protect them and prepare them.

We got rid of our TV in 2009, and have rarely thought twice about it. What I miss about it is the excitement of waiting all year to watch “Frosty the Snowman” and my brother and I skidding to land on our bottoms ready for the show when CBS trumpeted its announcement. Sunday evenings were similar, with Tinker Bell flying about the castle heralding the family-friendly movie of the week. In the background, my dad had the paper nearby, and my mom worked on needlepoint.

Because of this technology propelling a proud individualism, it is unnecessary now to spend any time together for a shared experience. In fact, it’s unnecessary to spend any time alone either, in boredom. Boredom used to be where imagination and rest did their best work. Instead, we practice escapism, neglect honing our crafts, and forgo real face-to-face hospitality. Parents are altogether too eager to use the “plug-in drug” because it is easier to administer than creative play, diligent work, or character-building discipline. We all know this is harmful, intuitively.

Furthermore, screen time has real health concerns: loss of short-term memory, distracted driving, radiation (7). No one is, in fact, heralding these tools as beneficial for the body, soul, and mind, but plenty will fight to the death to avoid going without one. Try even one day without your smart phone and see for yourself if you hunger for a screen swipe, a check in to Twitter, or agonize over unseen email. This is the world our children are growing up in and will more than likely end up with if we do nothing: addicted and narcissistic, where their sense of accomplishment is measured by the high score or the number of followers.

I encourage you and your family to be mindful of media choices. Decide what tools you will use, make sure your children how and when to use them, and also to know WHY your particular rules are there. It is not negligent nor unkind to withhold cell phones or the nightly newscast, or to stall opening their email or social media accounts. None of my children receive a cell phone until they are driving. Plan, and take, regular media fasts. Set individual and family goals for the next year, and beyond. (8) Teach them to recognize predators, spam, and questionable websites or communications. One thing is for certain: if you desire your children to know the screen as a tool and not as a master, you must lead by example in this area. Otherwise you are greatly deceived by its power and your own enslavement to it. (9)

Toys and Play

Toys don’t have to be a hindrance to curiosity or an irritation to the household: a hindrance, by means of battery-powered (versus brain powered) construction, and/or an irritation, by means of, well, battery-powered (versus gross or fine motor powered), play. It’s no secret in my home that as far as toys go, I plainly prefer simple over complex, wooden over plastic, and quality over quantity. I also find the idea that a noisy mechanized voice wobbling out what are supposed to be phonograms so that children can learn to more readily read is foolishness. What they need is a good book on a loving lap.

Because toys are one means of creative play and learning, they are important in the home. However, many toys on the market today, especially geared to babies, are actually burdensome or even harmful to a small child’s immune system. How so? BPA is a chemical compound found in many plastic products, and it’s recognized to have estrogenic activity, disrupting normal endocrine and reproductive function...and it’s allowed in pacifiers, teethers, and toys. It leaches out of the plastic (and into your children) through everyday use. It is not “over the top” to request wooden trains instead of plastic ones; it is simply attempting to raise a healthy child. There are many other chemical concoctions that can also be avoided by using more natural products for play things, such as rubber, wood, or wool. The bacteria on wooden surfaces don’t multiply; they simply die. Consider that when high chair shopping, too.

Thanks to the internet, providing these toys are not that difficult to find. However, they come at a cost. A plastic $3 rattle is more appealing to the pocketbook than a wooden $17 one. If you look beyond the cost, however, what you will also see is that the wooden rattle will last, well, forever. Furthermore, anyone concerned with consumerism and materialism will agree that just because you can buy cheaper toys, it doesn’t mean that childhood would be better off with MORE of them. Better quality and fewer toys is one aspect that makes for a home that everyone can enjoy and live in.

Exceptions to the “rule” in our home? Lego bricks are the most obvious, being plastic AND excessive. Lego definitely has made the “lasts forever” check! Also, gifts are generally accepted--but are the first to get weeded out if inappropriate or unplayed with. Other toys that have real staying power throughout the years include bicycles and wagons, art supplies, dolls, balls, tools (yes, REAL tools, not “play” tools), little cars and a play kitchen.

Let’s not, however, come up with a “must have” list. Our children have owned a McMansion-sized play set, but were just as enthusiastic with the milk crate and rope swing they made for themselves later. Giving a child some training in the use of tools, access to the outdoors, and plenty of wood and other scraps is a recipe for the cultivation of a great, imaginary mind. No batteries or WiFi needed!

Actually, many useful “toys” are missing in this generation, such as rocks and sticks. Rocks--that children are no longer allowed to throw. Sticks--that children are no longer allowed to use as guns. Instead, we put an electronic device in their hands for “hand and eye coordination” and shrug when they lose their observational and social skills. Other MIA toys include: small lenses and magnifying glasses to explore the undersides of plants and bugs, binoculars, pocket knives, spindles, shovels and mud. And proper training in using these things can only occur if a parent is willing to put down THEIR electronic device.

Which brings us to the most important “toy” of all: YOU. No matter what is going on in a child’s day, no matter if he is drawing a comic strip or she is serving her dolly tea, there is no greater joy than having Daddy or Mommy join them in their play. Joining them does not necessarily mean directing them; it means allowing time to do creative play together. When you come home for the day, or even just for lunch, yes your children will be thrilled beyond measure if you jump into their inflatable pool with them fully dressed. Ask me how I know.

Do you want your children to play? Then you must play, too. Sometimes in order to rescue childhood you must be willing to rediscover a bit of yours. For how will your child really believe their imagination is important if they never see you using yours? If going outside for some fresh air and sunshine is so great, are you doing the same? Play has purpose beyond productivity.

Could you take an art class, just because? Show up for a Saturday night volleyball game? I’d encourage you to pick your own toys and hobbies wisely as well as your child’s, because they will enhance your own health and well being, too.

The Local Church

Attending a local church is a necessity for the Christian. Not only is it a place to meet, thereby not forsaking the assembling of others (Hebrews 10:25), it is also a place in which to partake of the sacraments of the Lord’s supper and baptism. With clear instructions on the qualifications of pastors, elders, and deacons, it is fairly obvious that God intended a structured gathering. Many people believe that they can simply listen to a sermon from a podcast and get good Bible teaching. Although this can be true, depending on who you are listening to, it is also true that that particular pastor in all of the study time he has put in to bring the message to his flock never once considered you specifically or your family. He doesn’t know your life, your troubles, or how your walk with the Lord is going. This is actually part of the reason why people stay home; they want the invisibility. Belonging to a local church also means submitting yourself to church discipline, which is another reason people may shy from attending. Although it may be difficult to find a church that faithfully preaches the Word of God, it is worth the effort (perhaps even the move!), to belong to a larger family within the community, and this is of great benefit to our children as well.

Special Needs and Adoption

Children with special needs and children who have been adopted bring their own unique and difficult challenges. Regardless of how they are schooled, their family needs the love and active support of their church. I say “active” because most families dealing with these challenges need more than sympathy or advice--they need physical, mental, and emotional support. The tension is that parents may hesitate to relay needs because (a) they do not want to burden anyone else and (b) they do not want to discount the very real ways that God’s grace has been shown through this time. However, with encouragement and tangible help, even these children can and do thrive with a home-based instruction and attention. As a parent with two daughters with Down syndrome (biological, not adopted), I understand the reality of how difficult it is to ask for help, and the disappointment when it does not or cannot come. God’s grace is truly sufficient during those times! If you are a parent without these challenges, and you know someone in your congregation who does, let me implore you: ask how things are *really* going, listen, and BELIEVE whatever that parent tells you because some of the issues that arise are truly horrific. Offer help in whatever way your family can manage. Could you relieve the family for a few hours for a break? Could you bless them out of the blue with a supper provided or help clean their home or help with a maintenance project that is weighing on them? Or perhaps you could share some of your money so that equipment and other ongoing extra costs might be less worrisome? Could you send them a card with scripture to brighten their day or to give them strength? Or offer to pray (and then doing it!) for whatever that child’s needs are? Yes, adoption is a picture of the gospel, and yes even children with special needs are a blessing, but we all need to remember that they are a part of the church community and do what we can to lift what can sometimes be a tremendous burden even a wee bit, so these children can benefit from slow schooling also.

On Finding a Mentor

As a younger mother, I prayed and pined for a godly mentor. I was hungry for that older woman of the Word who would come alongside and encourage me with the scriptures and with advice, who would rejoice in my growing family and help me with practicalities such as scheduling and homeschooling and homemaking. Unfortunately, none of the women I sought seemed to be available, and I shamefully went through a season of bitterness about it. Let me exhort you not to follow that same path!

There is nothing inherently wrong with desiring a mentor, and scripture actually commands the elder to teach the younger. Unfortunately, many of the older women in the church are of a generation that probably did not get that for themselves, so they feel ill equipped to offer any kind of leadership. Also, many of these women either have real regrets in their own mothering or, worse, cannot comprehend how highly you may esteem it. They may fault you for not finding outside work or for having many children, even if they will not say such directly to you. Lastly, even if these women wholeheartedly love and support what you are doing in theory, practically speaking they have become too busy in their own work or desires to make time for yours. It’s a sad state, really.

On the other side, older women who desire to mentor the younger generation are sometimes hindered by a lack of real attentiveness or desire to learn from that younger mother. It is also true that many young women who say they want mentoring really do not want mentoring at all; they only want a coffee date in which they can vent all of their frustrations. This is a problem when a true mentor longs to guide a younger women through the Word, through prayer, Biblical counseling, and through lessons learned by experience, but the younger woman is too enamored by Pinterest-homemaking, current day child-raising practices or by worldly notions of what marriage ought to look like.

Either woman in earnest ought to seek a fruitful match by prayer. In the meantime, if no mentor match is forthcoming, know that God’s grace is sufficient! Many godly, older women have written books that are extremely valuable for the seeking younger mother, and if such a mother will slowly consider what it written (testing it by the Word of course), and will in earnestness apply what is there, there is no reason that woman can’t grow in whatsoever she is currently struggling in, and come to peace with her progress.

If you’re longing for a mentor, and cannot find one, endeavor to become the mentor you wish you had. Because it is true the years fly by and one day you will look around you and see even younger mothers than you, with younger children...and they will be thirsty for a good word, even from you. Share it.

1.https://www.christianheritageonline.org/product/exposing-a-trojan-horse/

2. http://www.flylady.net/

3. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25355584/

4. https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/factcheck/2022/02/10/fact-check-more-than-40-children-have-chronic-illness-cdc-says/6639320001/

5. With thanks to Neil Amusing Ourselves to Death

6. avg 4.7 hours of TV day

7. See ON SCREENS AND HEALTH (blog post) 10-27-15

8. A very helpful book in this regard is Media Choices by Philip Telfer.

9. Read my own book, Present, for how I struggled to be free from addiction.

If you’re looking for a simpler, more purposeful life outside of the rule of technology, perhaps you can glean from my experimentations in seeking a more present life. Learn more about the book (and how to get it) by clicking on its image.