Niles and Nachos

On fighting for your marriage

Just a couple of goofy sinners 32 years into a marriage

Standing by the stove top, stirring something or other for supper, probably chopped onions, I look across, sigh, and say to my husband, “We should watch Frasier.”

“What?….Frasier?” he laughs.

I have zero idea if it’s even an appropriate show to watch. All I know is that life and marriage and child raising and adult child parenting is gut wretchingly difficult and all I want at that moment is to eat a ginormous plate of fake-cheese nachos and dissolve into the shows we used to watch before we knew anything about taxes, politics, seed oils, and hormones.

I just want to watch Niles order his latte-with-a-whisper-of-cinnamon again and forget about paying bills or planning next week’s menu.

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No one told me I would get weary. Oh sure, I read all of the excellent wife books and the whole hearted homeschooling books and I flew along with keeping my sink shined and I memorized Galatians 6:9. And, yes, I understood that most women in their fifties outside of Hollywood all seemed to be plump in the middle and a little more reserved in demeanor. But knowing is different than experiencing, and suddenly I, too, was a bit more squishy and eating more cottage cheese than I was used to. Six years ago, I was still nursing a baby. Today, I’m in menopause.

Also. Looking around at my fifty-something peers, I see that decades of little foxes in marriage have overrun good ground. It hardly surprised me that another semi-famous Christian, also in middle age—got divorced, but I was surprised when I understood her frustration, her question of, “what’s the line?”

What is it, indeed? And who draws the line to begin with? And if it is my own drawing, who’s to say the line doesn’t ever move? What lines are Real and which ones are just using ink from the devil?

Outside of adultery, abuse or abandonment (read that again if you’d like, in case you believe I think divorce is never appropriate), I thought the line was death? Scrolling over the comments in this announcement, I discovered wave upon wave of approving sentiments (“any negative comments will be blocked”) sympathizing that “enough was enough” and how God doesn’t want us unhappy and how wiving and homemaking is some sort of patriarchal enslavement and how yes the pastors were all supportive of the break up(s) and how kids in general really are (truly!) resilient AND doggonit (because, yes, there was cursing too) we’re now in the 21st century.

I rubbed my temples for quite a while.

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The first decade of our marriage was pretty exciting. We were figuring things out, making plans together and working toward common goals. Rarely did any of our personal quirks rock the boat; those quirks were either ignored or simply accepted as being part of the personality we once thought endearing.

Decade two was full of children and growing a business and homeschooling and trying to figure out The Best Way to do things. We went to conferences, marriage retreats, and family camps. We listened to a lot of godly mentors, pastors, and speakers, and learned the right way (cough) to grow a marriage, raise a family, home school and use envelopes for all of our money so we could yell “we’re debt free!” someday. The problem, however, was when one or both of us didn’t change our own habits or preferences or said quirks to fall in line with the proper, agreed upon ways of doing things. This was only a “problem” if the other spouse was certain of the right course, their course, whether it was to actually change OR to maintain the status quo. So pride began to plow the ground and scatter its seeds in the winds of anger and/or avoidance.

Where pride deeply sows, bitterness abundantly blooms.

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Social media can be a problem for marriage. I sense the reader’s nodding but also accept most of our hands are now in narrow glass jars gripping what has become at times our only outlet for socializing, or what we believe to be socializing. And what our fingers grip, our hearts solder to. I’ve seen the same thing happen to bloggers who become best selling authors, or to other creatives whose art and craft catapult them into a business that begins to push out their spouses. The next time you go to a restaurant, look around. Plenty of people are sitting together with a partner who wants to “just check on…” or “quickly see if…” or “find out how did….” Some marriages become more about The Business than about the relationship itself.

I know, because I’ve sat next to that person, and I’ve been that person, too (I wrote a whole book on it!). These areas, as important as they are, were never part of the three part braid celebrated at the wedding, and yet there they are: constantly reminding you of what life and love “really” look like, constantly pushing you to work harder or longer at the office, appealing to the basest natural desires we have (even good ones) and turning them into grotesque goals of how-things-ought-to-be. And, never fear, there will always be someone, some book, some program, some inspiring leap-of-faith-not-real-faith-er to help you get there, shrugging off the bloodied mess you leave behind.

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There is a point (or many, many points) in every marriage, and God bless you if you haven’t arrived there yet, where one or both partners have a decision to make: to stay married. And rather than simply (simply! ha!) putting up with said spouse, perhaps a marriage might deepen and improve if repentance might first be considered. Instead of, “I’ve tried everything to change my spouse” or “I’ve tried everything to make my spouse happy”, how about, “I’ve been flat on my face begging forgiveness for my idolatry and pleading God to change my own heart and desires…and I’ve found Him faithful to give me ways out of temptation (1 Cor 10:13), bumpers to keep me humble (2 Cor 12:6-10), mercy and grace in my every time of need (Heb 4:14-16), the discipleship and rest I need for my soul (Matt 11:28-29), and His intimate presence in my life to remind me of His great promises for me (Rev 21:4).”

Or maybe, supposedly from Spurgeon, “There is hardship in everything, except in eating pancakes.”

Unfortunately, our culture and even many of our churches allow instead for perpetual navel gazing instead of lifting our eyes upon the cross. Today over 15,000 published self help books arrive per year to help us; they even help us harden our own hearts towards the spouse of our youth. I do wonder what these divorcing women have been feeding into their minds. Yet John 15:12 says we are to love one another as He has loved us. And that the right thing to do, the wise thing to do, will always be without hypocrisy (James 3:17). Who will throw the first stone?

There are a lot of unhappy spouses walking about with logs in their eyeballs demanding change in other people. And many spouses decide to forgo heeding the scriptures TO change, which is profitable for reproof, correction, and instruction (2 Tim 3:16) because the work of the Holy Spirit at times burns. But so, too, are many faithful spouses—even suffering spouses—drawing nearer to God through their suffering, and thus growing in their trust and love of God in the process, looking for opportunity to seek Christ more in their sadness and to learn obedience to the Lord who gave them eternal life and His very great rest in their souls.

Sometimes, many times, all of those traits are within the same person.

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Decade three of marriage finds us in midlife, and most of our peers are empty nesters. My house, however, has every bedroom still full with multiple people, and today we navigate Down syndrome (times two), two elementary schooled children, and three young adults all under our roof. Our marriage still navigates the roller coaster of child discipline and running a small business and figuring out how to keep the basement from flooding. We still have our smart phones but have learned to shut up and stare if the other person has faded into it. We talk about who’s divorcing and why, but also who the new widows and widowers are and how fleeting life is. We are faithful to our local church and to the discipleship we get not only from there, but from friends and Biblical counselors and yes, from even the books they recommend. Those things, in turn, help us to stay faithful to Christ, and to one another, even if all of our wants are not granted.

Thank God, all our wants are not granted.

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Over time—maybe this is a menopause thing, I do not know—I have lightened up on the standards I hold for myself and by default my spouse as well. I also endeavor not to be frustrated with my physical and spiritual and emotional lack, my lack of everything I wish to be non-lacking, and to accept and even kiss the circumstantial current struggles that wiving and parenting and homemaking bring about, because they lead me to the Rock that is higher than I (Ps 61:2) Given that the years of my youth are unraveling ever faster, I know my time to glorify God here on earth grows shorter and I find that sobering, as it should. I have no delusions that hardships will never come or aren’t already here, or that I sadly won’t be cause for many of them, but I am learning to recognize the tracks of foxes and the scent of sin prowling about as lions. This is God’s grace upon my life.

Until you see your own sin, that you are perhaps the biggest sinner in the house, your spouse will never please you. Until you see and repent of your own failings, and take action upon them, your spouse will never believe your testimony or that you are serious about your marriage vows. Be humble enough to ask for help if you need it (and believe your spouse if he/she says that it is needed). Digging in your heels will only start the grave of a failed marriage. Repent, fill the dirt in, and plant flowers instead.

No road except the one God leads in life will be a path of righteousness. It is right and good to follow Him, and to trust and obey His Word even when marriage is hard. If you’re going through a hard time, I pray He will restore your soul and grant hope for restoration, goodness, mercy, and hope. May He deliver to you the help you need to please and glorify Him, no matter what happens in your relationship.

And who knows? Maybe God will use even Niles and nachos to revive a weary set of souls. Odder things have happened.